Things you can only say to other military spouses

True confession: I am so glad his R&R is not over Christmas break.
That may sound bizarre, but let me explain.  I would love nothing more than to have my whole family together for Christmas (and every other day).  But knowing that I only have 14 days.... no, not over Christmas vacation. Too many visiting relatives and other such chaos, I don't think we'd really have a chance to be with him.

The kids and I are done. Exhausted. We are ready to sit around in our pjs for two whole weeks and do absolutely nothing.  Maybe play in the snow, should more happen our way.  If my husband were here, we would have to do things.  Go places.  Not spend all day laying on the couch in yoga pants and a sweatshirt eating too many Christmas cookies.

We're in that month #6 slump.

Don't misunderstand, I would cheerfully do things if he were here.  But since he's not, boy, is that couch looking welcoming.  We can all rest, mentally and physically, and be ready for fun when he does get here some time in January.  Heck, I might even be able to starve off the extra holiday pounds before he arrives.

True confession #2:  Tonight, I am turning off my Skype and going to sleep early.

The baby was sooo restless last night.  I think I got about 3-4 hours of sleep.  I have had 5 huge cups of tea and 2 large cups of coffee and have remained standing all day in an attempt to stay awake (snow day- no chance for a nap).  Tonight, I am so tired, even a restless baby won't keep me up.   Normally, I sit and wait, like the teenaged girl in stories, waiting for my Skype to ring.  Sorry, babe.  I'll be in dreamland. Maybe I'll see you there.

Hark, it is nearly 8 and late enough to be bedtime. :)

Nighty-night all.

Making my baby a man

I hate Christmas shopping.  Last year I did all of it online from my couch with cup of hot coffee in hand.  I mocked those who roamed the malls searching for parking so they could then search the mall for gifts. "Unevolved buffoons!", I chortled.

So why the hell was I at Target today with that same glazed-over looked worn by all the other parents roaming the toy section?  There were nearly 4 cart crashes too, because we are all examining the toys. The toys are arranged in no particular order, btw.  Insanity.  I think I was overcome by the idea that I am actually close enough to multiple major shopping areas that I can shop in person at different malls (without taking my RV) that I actually decided to try it.  I have learned my lesson, though.  Next year, I'll be back on the couch with my laptop.

I am just about done shopping. I realized I cheaped out on my oldest kid.  He is a great kid and really wants Call of Duty Black Ops for his DS. ?!?!?!?!  Hello?  You just learned how to walk last week, what do you mean you want a first-person shooter game?  I am so not comforted by your response that the DS graphics aren't as good as the PSPs, so the blood looks less real.  (He is 12.  I know, it's totally normal.)

But how do I explain that life means something?  That when a soldier takes an enemy soldier's life that it can really weigh on them?  That even the bad guys have mothers that love them or maybe even a wife and kids?   My husband remembers flying in his little helicopter during Desert Storm (yup, he's that old) and seeing the targets he called in destroyed. He knew there were people in there and now they were all dead.  They were shooting at him, so I'm glad he did it, but I could tell it kind of made him think a bit.  If I get #1 this game (or GoldenEye 007, which looks cool too), will he be able to get that later? 

Maybe I am thinking too hard about all this. It's probably the after-effects of flourescent lighting and holiday musak.

Janet Jackson was in control, why can't I be?

A dear friend just learned that her husband is going to head back out to keep the world safe for democracy.  She posited the question "How come when our husbands get orders to deploy, the first thing we military spouses do is make a checklist?"  An excellent question.  My answer was "Because making a list feels as if we are imposing order on the situation."  And isn't that really what it is all about?

The build up is so terrible.  SO busy and yet we desperately try to cram more family time in there to make up for all the time we won't have.  We have no idea what will happen to our soldier once they head out that door.  I can't control which road he drives on, what FOB he is on, or which flight he is on.  But I can make a list.  Things I want him to fix before he goes.  Things I need to get for him because he will be living "expeditionary" style for a few months.  When are we taking the family pic? (Try not to think about what if this is the last family pic!)  Do we need a new POA or is the last one still valid?  What can I do with the kids all summer to keep me from wringing their necks as they squabble?

Lists.
They make me feel like I can control what is happening to us.

I have been having trouble with lack of control lately.  We just found out where we will go when he comes home.  Of course, the Army told us "Kansas" in two different official emails, but then (in a third official email) they told us, "Never mind, you're staying in VA."  It was great news, but it left me feeling tired and yanked around, much like the toys my kids fight over would feel.  We will have to go through this again next winter, because it is just a one year assignment.  I also am banging my head against the wall with my kids.  Can't control those people either.

I know I am supposed to just trust in God and His plan, but frankly, I am having a hard time with that right now. Maybe it is because I can't even keep the family room picked up for 5 minutes. 

Deep, cleansing breaths, right? 

Some things you just can't get used to

We are just about at the halfway point.  With no return date, it is hard to say for sure.  But for whatever reason, I miss him more this time.  I guess it is because we never really "re-integrated"  from the last deployment. There wasn't really time.  And no, I am not used to him being gone (that is this week's "dumb question from a civilian").  I am used to driving and picking up and doing homework all by myself, though I don't enjoy it even a little.  I AM NOT and will NEVER BE used to him not being part of the everyday life of our family.

My birthday falls around Thanksgiving and I spent it driving to my mom's house for the holiday weekend. (Nothing says "Happy Birthday" like no traffic :) ) I'm glad I have family around this deployment, because it was really tough for me to refrain from throwing myself a pity party.

He was here last Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I can't remember much about Christmas. We were waiting for the official word that he would leave WAY earlier than previously scheduled.  I remember trying to make sure the holidays were just fabulous for the kids, because I knew in my heart he wasn't going to be here the next Christmas.  There was a cloud over me the whole time.  

Just in case the Army can't come up with any other reason to stop with the 12 month dwell time, here's a reason:  Families don't "reintegrate" that quickly.  It is really hard to create the new "normal" when the next deployment is already rearing its ugly head.  The first brigade my husband deployed with had the timeline for the next deployment about the time the unit reached the halfway point of their tour in Iraq.


I officially cancelled my turkey day pity party after receiving some emails from my husband. He has no idea I was even wallowing in self-pity at the time. I realized that if I wasn't ready for him to go, he was just as unprepared to leave us.  He doesn't know our youngest daughter at all- he left for JRTC when she was 10 days old and deployed when she was 3 months old.  She'll be walking before he gets here for leave.  He is missing out on watching our oldest earn rank in Boy Scouts and doing all that stuff with him (I was done sleeping on the ground once I left the Army).  But while we are all missing him, he misses all of us.  Let just say it- it really sucks, and it sucks more to be him than to be me.  And I can't do a damn thing to make it better or easier or more pleasant, other than pics and emails and all that.

It's probably a good thing to focus on to keep me from moping through the holidays.  I am here with the kids, my own bathroom, electricity that doesn't quit, and the loony cat.  He is in a tent on a cot in middle of nowhere.  I need to be grateful for the other things too- he is (relatively speaking) safe and uninjured.  There is a gold star family around here. I know the mother through my daughter's activities.  My heart hurts for them always, but especially around the holidays.

I am already looking forward to next year, when we can all celebrate together and will be blissfully ignorant of pending deployments, because he won't have an assignment yet.  Maybe playing ostrich is not always a bad idea.

My two square pegs

Sometimes I forget that I read alot more than most people, especially things about learning and teaching and child development.  I also forget that social skills and manners were tossed out the window years ago, meaning people will say things that should not have left the space between their ears.

My second son was diagnosed as ADHD, hyperactive type when he was 6.  He had wild mood swings and "poor impulse control".  He also still has tactile issues (think tags and seams in clothing). We are working to refine his diagnosis, because as he grows older it seems less accurate.  He is currently working with a counselor and being treated for anxiety and depression, which is connected to the craziness of Army life and his dad's deployments.  If we retire at 20 years, it will be because he needs to stay in one place. Our gypsy lifestyle does not fit him well. 

When we were first trying to figure him out, I was rather taken aback by some of the reactions I got from people, especially family and acquaintances. (My friends, I am glad to say, supported me without question.)  At first, a lot of people told me it was a discipline problem.  And while he was hard to control, his behaviors were not due to a lack of effort on our part.  People second-guessed my decision to homeschool him, my decision not to homeschool him, my decision to see if medication would help him. As if watching my child struggle and suffer while my husband worked long days and then prepared to deploy wasn't enough, I had to deal with the tactless busy-bodies of the world.

I am glad to say that he is stable now.  He is learning and coping with school (he is extremely intelligent, which makes it a little easier).  He has made some friends.  We will move this summer and next summer, so I need to make sure he stays in a good place mentally.  But he isn't "normal". 

"Normal".  That elusive and imaginary mark on the wall that only exists statistically.  It seems that we are all, in fact, just a little bit off.

Just this past week, we finished the evaluation process with #1.  He is struggling in school and with homework.  He has garnered a diagnosis of ADHD- inattentive type.  He CANNOT concentrate. EVER. On anything.  Because I homeschooled him most of his life, I know he can learn and even likes to learn.  He cannot handle homework or long-term projects.  Again, here come the opinion-holders of the world.

"ADHD is just something they made up.  When I was a kid, they just made us pay attention."

"He just needs more discipline" (These people obviously don't know me as a parent at all.  See sock drawer story from a few weeks ago)

"He's just trying to get out of it"

"Maybe he should eat less sugar.....food coloring.....grains.....processed food...."

"He probably watches too much TV and video games"

I think it is most frustrating that the small private school he attends doesn't "believe" in ADD.  Or at least that is what I have been told. I will find out for sure over the next few days. 

Psychological issues and learning disabilities are absolutely heartbreaking to deal with as a mom.  I think it is because at the surface, my kids look completely "normal".  But they are not just like everyone else.  ADHD is covered by IDEA, meaning my kids could have IEPs and accommodations to help them succeed in school.  No one would dare tell the parents of a child with a physical disability that the child "just needs more discipline." Just because he looks "okay" when he walks down the street doesn't mean that he fits into the round hole at school.

Still, people have a hard time accepting it.  Maybe it is because my husband and I are both intelligent and well-educated, so they assume my kids would be too.  But they are intelligent, they just need to be taught in a manner that helps them learn. 

So back to the library I go, armed with a list of materials the doctor recommended that I read.  I had done some cursory research into attention problems when I was homeschooling.  I have known #1 had trouble focusing, but we had been able to work through it (or around it).  Maybe it is a good thing that I don't work also.  Being an advocate for my two sons as we move (and move and move) will take up some time.  I also wonder what it means for them in the long term.  Will they be able to succeed in a college environment?  Will they be able to achieve their goals? I am also nervous about #3 (also a boy).  Will this issue arise with him as well?  I'll just have to wait and see, but if it does, I'll have his back too.