We are just about at the halfway point. With no return date, it is hard to say for sure. But for whatever reason, I miss him more this time. I guess it is because we never really "re-integrated" from the last deployment. There wasn't really time. And no, I am not used to him being gone (that is this week's "dumb question from a civilian"). I am used to driving and picking up and doing homework all by myself, though I don't enjoy it even a little. I AM NOT and will NEVER BE used to him not being part of the everyday life of our family.
My birthday falls around Thanksgiving and I spent it driving to my mom's house for the holiday weekend. (Nothing says "Happy Birthday" like no traffic :) ) I'm glad I have family around this deployment, because it was really tough for me to refrain from throwing myself a pity party.
He was here last Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I can't remember much about Christmas. We were waiting for the official word that he would leave WAY earlier than previously scheduled. I remember trying to make sure the holidays were just fabulous for the kids, because I knew in my heart he wasn't going to be here the next Christmas. There was a cloud over me the whole time.
Just in case the Army can't come up with any other reason to stop with the 12 month dwell time, here's a reason: Families don't "reintegrate" that quickly. It is really hard to create the new "normal" when the next deployment is already rearing its ugly head. The first brigade my husband deployed with had the timeline for the next deployment about the time the unit reached the halfway point of their tour in Iraq.
I officially cancelled my turkey day pity party after receiving some emails from my husband. He has no idea I was even wallowing in self-pity at the time. I realized that if I wasn't ready for him to go, he was just as unprepared to leave us. He doesn't know our youngest daughter at all- he left for JRTC when she was 10 days old and deployed when she was 3 months old. She'll be walking before he gets here for leave. He is missing out on watching our oldest earn rank in Boy Scouts and doing all that stuff with him (I was done sleeping on the ground once I left the Army). But while we are all missing him, he misses all of us. Let just say it- it really sucks, and it sucks more to be him than to be me. And I can't do a damn thing to make it better or easier or more pleasant, other than pics and emails and all that.
It's probably a good thing to focus on to keep me from moping through the holidays. I am here with the kids, my own bathroom, electricity that doesn't quit, and the loony cat. He is in a tent on a cot in middle of nowhere. I need to be grateful for the other things too- he is (relatively speaking) safe and uninjured. There is a gold star family around here. I know the mother through my daughter's activities. My heart hurts for them always, but especially around the holidays.
I am already looking forward to next year, when we can all celebrate together and will be blissfully ignorant of pending deployments, because he won't have an assignment yet. Maybe playing ostrich is not always a bad idea.
