This is exceptionally hard to share. I only do so to offer support in the form of shared burdens with my fellow spouses and to give insight to those in the civilian world.
Time changes us all. So do deployments. The fun begins when we all try to catch back up.
Sometimes I feel like the past three years have not been real time, as normal people experience it. It's been some crazy, sped-up version, not unlike "dog years", but with really long days. I feel way more than 3 years older. I am about 5 years worth of tired.
Sometimes I am so busy living, that the simplest things evade me.
The other night, my kids said things that really made stop and think, and then decide to forge a path out of the mental and emotional wilderness I have been living in. #3 told me that when he was a dad, he was never going to yell at his kids. He was always going to talk to them in his nice voice. That hurt. What really knocked the wind out of me was later that night, when #4 said, "Mommy, you're smiling. Why? You don't usually do that."
This person- this irritable, stressed-out, sleep-deprived nutcase- is not me. Or wasn't, back when I knew me. Back before the war cut in. I loved my kids with every ounce of my being. They made me smile, almost all the time. Except maybe when they left legos on the living room floor (those really hurt). I was very laid back and just relaxed and enjoyed life. I loved to take my kids on road trips and see whatever we lived near. We'd sing silly songs and dance silly dances. I liked that woman.
How sad then, that when I looked in the mirror the other night after putting my kids in bed, I saw little sign of her left. How much sadder for my two oldest, who have watched their mother change right before their eyes, from the woman I was to this stranger with my face. My smile overshadowed by dark circles and worry lines, my laughter and jokes replaced by cynicism and weariness. And then my youngest ones, who never knew that other mom.
So that's it. These last years of deployment and dwell time (when his job ate his life and he was rarely home for bedtime) are not going to win. I am taking myself back. The grouchy bitch is hitting the road, and is not invited back. Ever.
Yesterday I did great. I was positive all day, focused on keeping a smile on my face. This afternoon shook me a bit. #1 came home with a C+ on his end of grading period math exam. They were all careless errors- he had an A average going into this test (which makes it worse in my book). And I almost started crying when I walked in to the basement before bedtime, and saw all the toys I had just put away back out on the floor. My back is a wreck (a combo of stress and carrying 23 lb #6 around), and I just couldn't even think about all that bending over again. My kids came to my rescue- with hugs and a fast cleanup. Then #3 came to read me a story.
They deserve a happy mom. I deserve to be a happy mom. Time to dig deeper. Pray. Stay balanced. Try to go to bed earlier (ha!). I am going to eat better and exercise more, and seriously think about cutting back on coffee and tea. That might have to wait until warmer weather returns, though.
We are gradually gaining on the halfway mark of this deployment. R&R is only 2 calendar pages away. I need to focus, so that my family will thrive, not just scrape by. I need to have something positive here for my husband to come home to, because all this time later, he might be someone else too.
09 November 2010
08 November 2010
If the Army wanted him to have a wife, they would've issued him one.
That's a bit harsh. But it feels true at times.
In this crazy Army life, I have chosen to be the parent at home. I am the stability in an otherwise unstable existence. I feel great satisfaction that I am able to lessen the stresses borne by my children, whether by dreaming up an elaborate travel plan that makes our move feel more like a vacation, or shielding them from the reality of what their dad is doing now and might go do next. But, as most stay at home parents know, something's got to give. And it's usually us.
As I approach one of the "milestone" birthdays, I think more and more about what happens to me next. We have only a few years left before we can retire. Our children are gradually entering school. What am I going to do with myself when there are no more deployments to endure or moves to plan? Do I try to do a little something now, to position myself better for whatever it is that I might want to do later? Or with all the specifics I am lacking, maybe I need to sit and catch my breath for a spell?
I think the military life makes it exceptionally difficult for spouses to have dreams that are anything more than that. I know we have all heard about studying "portable" things, like nursing (ick!), dental hygienist (ICK!!), teacher, etc. But even that is no guarantee of success. Legally, employers cannot ask, but one doesn't need to be Sherlock Holmes to pick out the resume that belongs to a military spouse. And not many places want to hire a person who could leave at a moment's (or 90 days) notice. Some of my friends have even experienced being shut out of employment opportunities, because they aren't really "from" that town, and the non-military business owners look out for the other civilians in the area. Naturally, this leads to fierce competition for positions on post or with those who will hire military spouses.
So what do we do, besides try to adhere to the Army spouse motto, "Semper Gumby"?
This is where spousal communication and a whole lot of patience come into play. My husband and I often discuss our evolving life plans and goals. When he looks at assignments, he really does try to find places that have an opportunity for me to achieve some of my personal goals. That has been tough these last few years, as kid #3 through kid #6 are all fairly close together. But we are still talking about the day when the planets align and the kids are in school and I can do.....something. Provided, of course, that we live somewhere that has something for me to do. I would love to finally get a Masters or PhD, but preparing to take a GRE when you don't even know what state you could be living in is, well, challenging. As is trying to refresh and supplement your education with the limited options around some posts.
The Army has finally recognized the lack of real career options for spouses is a retention liability. When we started out (waaaaay back in the day ;) ), it hadn't really occurred to the powers that be that it was an issue. Honestly, one can't expect a soldier to live in the middle of nowhere for years on end, and have nothing for his (or her!) spouse to do to pursue their goals while they support their soldier. That will end in divorce or ETS. Especially now, when so many of us have at least some college and likely had careers before swooning over some cutie in Dress Blues. My CAA was a good effort, but somehow went awry. We need to continue to advocate for ourselves and our fellow spouses, to make sure we aren't forgotten. When one is dealing with the Army or DoD, the squeaky wheel really does gets the grease.
Issued or not, we are here. And our dreams matter too.
In this crazy Army life, I have chosen to be the parent at home. I am the stability in an otherwise unstable existence. I feel great satisfaction that I am able to lessen the stresses borne by my children, whether by dreaming up an elaborate travel plan that makes our move feel more like a vacation, or shielding them from the reality of what their dad is doing now and might go do next. But, as most stay at home parents know, something's got to give. And it's usually us.
As I approach one of the "milestone" birthdays, I think more and more about what happens to me next. We have only a few years left before we can retire. Our children are gradually entering school. What am I going to do with myself when there are no more deployments to endure or moves to plan? Do I try to do a little something now, to position myself better for whatever it is that I might want to do later? Or with all the specifics I am lacking, maybe I need to sit and catch my breath for a spell?
I think the military life makes it exceptionally difficult for spouses to have dreams that are anything more than that. I know we have all heard about studying "portable" things, like nursing (ick!), dental hygienist (ICK!!), teacher, etc. But even that is no guarantee of success. Legally, employers cannot ask, but one doesn't need to be Sherlock Holmes to pick out the resume that belongs to a military spouse. And not many places want to hire a person who could leave at a moment's (or 90 days) notice. Some of my friends have even experienced being shut out of employment opportunities, because they aren't really "from" that town, and the non-military business owners look out for the other civilians in the area. Naturally, this leads to fierce competition for positions on post or with those who will hire military spouses.
So what do we do, besides try to adhere to the Army spouse motto, "Semper Gumby"?
This is where spousal communication and a whole lot of patience come into play. My husband and I often discuss our evolving life plans and goals. When he looks at assignments, he really does try to find places that have an opportunity for me to achieve some of my personal goals. That has been tough these last few years, as kid #3 through kid #6 are all fairly close together. But we are still talking about the day when the planets align and the kids are in school and I can do.....something. Provided, of course, that we live somewhere that has something for me to do. I would love to finally get a Masters or PhD, but preparing to take a GRE when you don't even know what state you could be living in is, well, challenging. As is trying to refresh and supplement your education with the limited options around some posts.
The Army has finally recognized the lack of real career options for spouses is a retention liability. When we started out (waaaaay back in the day ;) ), it hadn't really occurred to the powers that be that it was an issue. Honestly, one can't expect a soldier to live in the middle of nowhere for years on end, and have nothing for his (or her!) spouse to do to pursue their goals while they support their soldier. That will end in divorce or ETS. Especially now, when so many of us have at least some college and likely had careers before swooning over some cutie in Dress Blues. My CAA was a good effort, but somehow went awry. We need to continue to advocate for ourselves and our fellow spouses, to make sure we aren't forgotten. When one is dealing with the Army or DoD, the squeaky wheel really does gets the grease.
Issued or not, we are here. And our dreams matter too.
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