We have reached a critical point in our greater military family. My husband is Army, so that is what I base my thoughts on, but I hear similar things happening in our sister services.
We, the families, are stretched nearly to the breaking point, just as many of our soldiers are.
Many of us are focused on getting through today, and tomorrow will have to take care of itself.
This is HARD. For everyone.
It SUCKS. For everyone.
It breaks my heart to hear of Army wives forming a circular firing squad.
It makes me cry to hear about spouses who broke, and how social services got involved, because this time the loneliness and the stress was just too much.
I worry that we are all becoming so hardened by the long and repeated separations, that we have our eyes on the road right in front of our feet, so much so that we can't look left or right. I worry that so many of us are at our limit, that our emotional resources to support our fellow spouses are running low.
Women need to vent. Like a teapot that builds up steam and whistles, the stress and fatigue, frustration and loneliness reach a boiling point within us and it demands release. Hopefully we all have an ear that will just listen. Because most of our issues, let's face it, won't really be resolved. Even our soldier's return will not make things "normal" again. "Normal" is one of those elusive things that we are destined to chase as long as this war continues. My husband used to try to give me solutions to the things that were bothering me. But really I just wanted him to hear me, love me and say that it was okay to feel that way.
That is what we need to do for each other in our hours of need. Even if your own situation isn't a whole heck of a lot better.
I have six children, ranging in age from 12 to 8 mos. #6 was 3 mos old when my husband left. I have people struggling in school, struggling to make friends, bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, refusing to potty train, teething, and waking up throughout the night. Yes, it is challenging. Some days it even sucks. But this is my life, and I will do what I can to make the very best of it. Does this mean that if a mom with just one child is having a hard time that I will deny her the chance to release those pent up feelings? Absolutely not. Even if a spouse has no children, her struggles are just as valid as mine. I try not to complain to random people, because we all carry different crosses. My baby was only 3 months when my husband left. A friend of mine had her husband's deployment date jump forward, and her husband missed his daughter's birth. I will not complain about my 6 healthy (if overly exuberant) kids, because some people have kids with special needs, and their soldier is gone too. I am blessed to have certain friends I know I can call- to get stuff off my chest when that pressure reaches the boiling point.
We need to be there. To listen. Especially for the young families.
My husband has 17 years in. It gives me a thrill to say we have three years left and then we can call it day (or stay in, but it will be our decision). I had an awful lot of Army under my belt before the war on terror. Many young spouses are in a new community with all those "new spouse" issues, most likely away from home in some place they never heard of before (because does anyone really know where Clarksville, TN is, besides military folk?). And then they have to learn to deal with deployment too. I feel responsible as a "senior spouse" (God, that makes me feel old) to do what I can to ease their path.
When my husband joined the unit with which he is deployed, I ran across a very interesting situation. There were NO senior spouses. There were lots of single people and geographical bachelors, and a dual military couple, just for some variety. The wives of the senior people in the brigade had decided to live wherever they were (not near our post) and let their soldiers prep for deploying and deploy without adding the stress of relocation to their family. I will not say if that is right or wrong, because it is not my marriage. I cannot say what I would do until a particular situation presents itself, and maybe I would let my husband go on without me in some instances. But it is indicative of the state of our Army. We are exhausted. Many of us are hanging on by the tips of our fingernails. We are doing the best we can to preserve some level of sanity for ourselves and our children. But we also weaken the bonds of the Army community at large by refusing to participate.
Our military community these days feels very much like a house of cards. Exhaustion, depression, divorce, and reintegration that never gets completed have taken their toll. The fact that there is a huge wait to get into counseling services tells a story too. We want to be strong, to hang in. But, like cards, we can't stand alone. We need to lean and be leaned on. Give when you can, take when you need to.
I was blessed to have fabulous neighbors and friends when my husband was in Iraq. During the deployment, someone brought home a norovirus. #5 got sick first. She was one year old. Two days later, the rest of us became horribly ill. I was so sick, I couldn't even take care of my kids. My friend, who had two kids (11 and 9) and a deployed husband, spent the night at my house, nursing my sick kids when I couldn't. When I was finally back on my feet and thanked her profusely, she said that when her husband was gone and her kids were small, she had a neighbor that was always helping her out. When she told the neighbor she felt badly that she couldn't do anything in return, the neighbor said that one day she would be able to do it for someone else. That now she had to take, but later, she would be able to give to someone else. I cannot overstate how grateful I am to that particular friend.
Try to listen to that spouse who whines a lot. Maybe you can share a little wisdom and open her eyes to the fact that she is one of many bearing a great burden. Maybe the only thing you have to give is some cookies or a recommendation for a dentist that she was looking for. If today is that day that has you dreaming of running off to a tropical island, well, then tend to yourself. Turn to those who support you.
It is so challenging, because we are all threadbare. But we need to stand together with and for each other.
If we do not, then who will?
29 October 2010
27 October 2010
I don't know how I do it either.
"I just don't know how you do it"
I am fairly certain it is meant as a compliment. But if you want to know the truth, I am standing there thinking," BOY! Have I got you fooled!" It just goes to show that a well-coordinated outfit and cute shoes make everyone believe you have your life in order.
I really believe that you get what you can handle plus a little bit, just to stretch you and help you grow. There are some days that I don't particularly enjoy the stretching and growing. Those are the days when I fantasize about the NYC apartment I could be sharing with 2 cats. Cats that would let me take a shower and have a phone conversation without interrupting me for drinks, snacks, or technical assistance with the TV. Luckily for my kids, they are pretty cute and entertaining to boot. So I continue my attempts to block off enough time to shower and live in a house in the 'burbs.
I read an interesting article about the gaping chasm between civilians and military servicemen. The writer briefly touched on families- how a lot of us live on the installation, behind fences and razor wire and with armed guards at the gates. Talk about "gated communities". While I don't think that anyone would argue that military service, especially during war, changes a person, I think the author missed a great opportunity to tell the stories of those who *must* straddle the chasm. We, the military families.
News flash- I AM a civilian. I do not fully comprehend what combat is like or how one can live on a FOB near Fallujah, or trying to sleep while the sirens wail, warning of incoming rockets. My six years of service didn't involve a deployment; I was leaving the Army as we prepped to invade Iraq. But military spouses are intimately affected by the gap- it is bed with them every night, especially when their soldier is not.
We can't completely understand our soldiers' experiences. All we can do is love them and hope that it is enough. But we don't belong to the civilian world either. I can't imagine ever complaining about my husband working late 3 nights in a row (only 3?) or being gone 1 weekend for a business trip. But these are real hurdles for civilian families, because they are used to a level of togetherness that many (especially younger) Army couples have never even experienced.
How many brides-to-be would take that stroll down the aisle fully aware that her betrothed will leave for Afghanistan 3 weeks after the wedding, and that there isn't enough time for them to take a "real" honeymoon? I know one such courageous woman. I don't know how she does it.
How does one hold on, when one has been married 6 years and has two children, but never lived with one's husband more than 12 consecutive months (which doesn't count the time he was gone for training during those 12 months) because he is on his third deployment? I know a woman like that too. I don't know how she does it.
I guess the answer is that we, the military spouses, only belong to each other. We reside on some little spit of land between civilian and military, where we take care of each other the very best that we can.
How do any of us do it? Together, or not at all.
I am fairly certain it is meant as a compliment. But if you want to know the truth, I am standing there thinking," BOY! Have I got you fooled!" It just goes to show that a well-coordinated outfit and cute shoes make everyone believe you have your life in order.
I really believe that you get what you can handle plus a little bit, just to stretch you and help you grow. There are some days that I don't particularly enjoy the stretching and growing. Those are the days when I fantasize about the NYC apartment I could be sharing with 2 cats. Cats that would let me take a shower and have a phone conversation without interrupting me for drinks, snacks, or technical assistance with the TV. Luckily for my kids, they are pretty cute and entertaining to boot. So I continue my attempts to block off enough time to shower and live in a house in the 'burbs.
I read an interesting article about the gaping chasm between civilians and military servicemen. The writer briefly touched on families- how a lot of us live on the installation, behind fences and razor wire and with armed guards at the gates. Talk about "gated communities". While I don't think that anyone would argue that military service, especially during war, changes a person, I think the author missed a great opportunity to tell the stories of those who *must* straddle the chasm. We, the military families.
News flash- I AM a civilian. I do not fully comprehend what combat is like or how one can live on a FOB near Fallujah, or trying to sleep while the sirens wail, warning of incoming rockets. My six years of service didn't involve a deployment; I was leaving the Army as we prepped to invade Iraq. But military spouses are intimately affected by the gap- it is bed with them every night, especially when their soldier is not.
We can't completely understand our soldiers' experiences. All we can do is love them and hope that it is enough. But we don't belong to the civilian world either. I can't imagine ever complaining about my husband working late 3 nights in a row (only 3?) or being gone 1 weekend for a business trip. But these are real hurdles for civilian families, because they are used to a level of togetherness that many (especially younger) Army couples have never even experienced.
How many brides-to-be would take that stroll down the aisle fully aware that her betrothed will leave for Afghanistan 3 weeks after the wedding, and that there isn't enough time for them to take a "real" honeymoon? I know one such courageous woman. I don't know how she does it.
How does one hold on, when one has been married 6 years and has two children, but never lived with one's husband more than 12 consecutive months (which doesn't count the time he was gone for training during those 12 months) because he is on his third deployment? I know a woman like that too. I don't know how she does it.
I guess the answer is that we, the military spouses, only belong to each other. We reside on some little spit of land between civilian and military, where we take care of each other the very best that we can.
How do any of us do it? Together, or not at all.
24 October 2010
I was in a hole. I have since found a shovel and started digging.
I have only met one or two truly starry-eyed optimists. People who really thought that things were always just great! I long for a sip of whatever they were drinking.
I am a hope for the best, plan for the worst/ "hope is not a course of action" kind of girl. Unkind people would say I am a bit of a control freak. Maybe with all of the crazy changes throughout my life, having my books alphabetized by author within a subject area is just how I cope. Children and people who like control are like oil and water, by the way. Unless you can cede control in some areas and just accept it as how life is. Fortunately, I have done fairly well at that. I will confess to trying to force some kind of BAG on my boys (that's Barracks Arrangement Guide for those who could fold (or not) their socks which ever way they wanted to in college). Forgive me for thinking that socks should all be in one drawer, and why on earth would it be the middle one? I think they belong in the top drawer, but bottom drawer works too. #2 pointed out that his feet were on the bottom, so that is where he wanted his socks. Logical. I can work with that.
So, my day to day existence is pretty much chaos. You get used to it. But sometimes I think, "How the heck can this all happen to one person? And why I am the lucky son of a gun?" I am blessed in so many ways (no terminal illnesses, severe handicaps, etc), but sometimes it feels like death by a thousand cuts. Now that I think about it, company command felt a lot like this too.
This week we had multiple sick people (including me) with TWO different ailments. I am grateful that I only participated in the upper-respiratory one. I somehow picked up a sharp piece of metal in my tire. I lost a credit card for a few hours, only to eventually find it in the jeans in the washing machine. #5 fell off the front step and got a scrape on her face. (This is the same kid that sported a shiner from running into something in TX. I have always worried that my kids will get me investigated by CPS because they like to watch the sibling that is in pursuit as they try to run away.) If I get any more emails from #1's teachers, I may just cry. My husband fell off the face of the earth for a few days without warning (testing my nerves, I guess).
Staying centered is a HUGE challenge lately. Anyone who has been in a hurricane (I did 3 during my 2 years in FL- who's the lucky girl?), can tell you how very loud it is. And how, after several hours, you just want to get away from that sound. That is where I am today. Loud winds around me and I am trying to find the quiet spot in my head. I started yoga again- it used to get me some strange looks in college, but I guess you don't expect to see people in a shoulder stand when you walk into the room. I find child's pose most comforting lately. #5 likes to try it with me, but soon switches to doing front rolls and kicking me in the head as she lands. Lots of deep breaths and warm beverages. Maybe it won't rain this week and we can take the stroller out for a run.
After the first day of fighting at Shiloh, Sherman told Grant,"We've had the devil's own day, haven't we?" Grant replied, "Yes. Lick 'em tomorrow, though."
Me too, General.
I am a hope for the best, plan for the worst/ "hope is not a course of action" kind of girl. Unkind people would say I am a bit of a control freak. Maybe with all of the crazy changes throughout my life, having my books alphabetized by author within a subject area is just how I cope. Children and people who like control are like oil and water, by the way. Unless you can cede control in some areas and just accept it as how life is. Fortunately, I have done fairly well at that. I will confess to trying to force some kind of BAG on my boys (that's Barracks Arrangement Guide for those who could fold (or not) their socks which ever way they wanted to in college). Forgive me for thinking that socks should all be in one drawer, and why on earth would it be the middle one? I think they belong in the top drawer, but bottom drawer works too. #2 pointed out that his feet were on the bottom, so that is where he wanted his socks. Logical. I can work with that.
So, my day to day existence is pretty much chaos. You get used to it. But sometimes I think, "How the heck can this all happen to one person? And why I am the lucky son of a gun?" I am blessed in so many ways (no terminal illnesses, severe handicaps, etc), but sometimes it feels like death by a thousand cuts. Now that I think about it, company command felt a lot like this too.
This week we had multiple sick people (including me) with TWO different ailments. I am grateful that I only participated in the upper-respiratory one. I somehow picked up a sharp piece of metal in my tire. I lost a credit card for a few hours, only to eventually find it in the jeans in the washing machine. #5 fell off the front step and got a scrape on her face. (This is the same kid that sported a shiner from running into something in TX. I have always worried that my kids will get me investigated by CPS because they like to watch the sibling that is in pursuit as they try to run away.) If I get any more emails from #1's teachers, I may just cry. My husband fell off the face of the earth for a few days without warning (testing my nerves, I guess).
Staying centered is a HUGE challenge lately. Anyone who has been in a hurricane (I did 3 during my 2 years in FL- who's the lucky girl?), can tell you how very loud it is. And how, after several hours, you just want to get away from that sound. That is where I am today. Loud winds around me and I am trying to find the quiet spot in my head. I started yoga again- it used to get me some strange looks in college, but I guess you don't expect to see people in a shoulder stand when you walk into the room. I find child's pose most comforting lately. #5 likes to try it with me, but soon switches to doing front rolls and kicking me in the head as she lands. Lots of deep breaths and warm beverages. Maybe it won't rain this week and we can take the stroller out for a run.
After the first day of fighting at Shiloh, Sherman told Grant,"We've had the devil's own day, haven't we?" Grant replied, "Yes. Lick 'em tomorrow, though."
Me too, General.
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