And that's why we don't negotiate with terrorists....

Okay, so maybe the terrorists in question here are my children. Just stick with me.

I was being held hostage over the (evidently sub-par) pork chops I cooked for the little monsters darlings.  I tried to hold firm. Really. But after an hour, they broke me.  Two kids managed to slip away, and the third one stalled until I almost lost my schmidt. Just to clarify- I made a tasty meal. 4 people (which includes 2 children) ate it without any issues.

I hate when they manage to negotiate their way out of dinner. It usually starts with an innocent "I'm not very hungry." When I use my psychic powers to confirm that they are, in fact, hungry, it devolves into whining. Tonight, #3 totally showed the other kids how it is done.

3: This looks funny.

Me: No, it doesn't.

3: What is that green thing? (this question is usually accompanied by stabbing the offending food item repeatedly with a fork)

Me: It is a teeny piece of oregano. EAT and stop stabbing the food. The pork is already dead.

3: How come He (#2) got more rice?

Me: Because he ate his (mother-loving) pork chops.  (Teeth are starting to clench)

3: I have to go to the bathroom.

Me: Then you better eat quickly.

3: Do I have to eat all of it?

Me: YES!!!!!!!

3 pokes around some more with his fork. He moves the pieces of meat around. He folds napkin into boat shape (not kidding). Chews up an ice cube. Wipes off fork onto boat-shaped napkin. Still hasn't eaten. 

3: But I already ate four bites.

Me: I barely gave you enough pork to keep CPS off of my case. WILL. YOU. JUST. EAT.

3: I really have to pee.

Me: (inaudible grumbling...)

Kid leaves for a while and returns.  He didn't flush, by the way.

3: Can I just eat one more bite?

Me: No! You will eat at least 4. (HUGE mistake. Kids sense that as a sign of weakness, just like sharks and blood in the water).

More dillying and dallying and rearranging of pork pieces, accompanied by pleas for more rice.
I am no longer answering. I am only glaring.

3: Well. I'm done.

Me: ?????? YOU DID NOT EAT YOUR FOUR BITES.

3: I already ate four bites.

Me: You were supposed to eat four more bites.

3: But I already ate four, and then had one more (I doubt that very much). So that was five, can I be done?

Me: NOOOOOOO! Sit. Eat. Do. not. move.

Five minutes later, I realize he has been sitting there for an entire hour. Yup. That's about 40 minutes longer than anyone else.  I (in true Mom-of-the-Year style) grab his plate, and inform him that dinner. is. over. That he is to get in pjs, do his homework and stay out of my line of sight until breakfast. 

He scampers away.


Score: Kid 1, Mom 0.

I am grumpy, have wasted time I could have used to check Facebook clean the kitchen, and we still have to do his homework.  He, on the other hand, didn't have to eat his pork. 

And that, my friends, is why you don't negotiate with terrorists children.  You just feed them chicken nuggets every night, and hope they don't tell all the other parents that they broke their mom.

Keeping up appearances

It's that time again.

My husband is about at the halfway mark in the course he is taking here in VA, so his branch manager has emailed him (and all the other people his rank that are eligible to move) with some options. You know, the "please look through this list and rank your top three assignment choices," with some guidelines about who is first in line for those augmentee to Afghanistan positions. Mercifully, we are not. He's only been home seven months.

The insanity of the whole thing just makes me laugh.

My husband is aviation. It seems that his branch is stretched even thinner than the rest of the Army.  The pace that they are keeping officers on is crazy. That isn't a complaint. Just an observation. We are fighting a war in a country with something like three roads and a big old mountain range in the middle. So yeah, they need helicopters. Hence, a lot of the assignments are more like picking where your spouse will live while you're gone.

I find it funny that they are still trying to keep up the image of considering people's preferences.  And it was with this cynicism that I helped put together our dream sheet. Are we eligible for the locations/ positions we asked for? Not sure. The job descriptions were pretty thin. Will we get any of those locations? Maybe. Maybe not. Can't hurt to ask.  If we got one of those jobs we requested, would I be excited? Heck, yeah!

We are getting to the end of this Army journey. I am mostly focused on my oldest son's high school experience (he's in 8th grade right now) and where I want to be in the long term, post-Army. I am trying hard to balance that with my husband's career progression. It's harder than it sounds. My mama-bear instinct kicks in when I think about how little the Army really cares about my son's school career or how he has moved pretty much every other year of his whole life. 

Keeping #1 reassured is a big task now. He knows what is going on. He knows we are waiting to see what will happen. I don't know if he has grasped that some guy in an office in KY that he has never met is deciding where he will go to high school.  These same people will decide if he gets to stay at that high school for four years. I am doing my best to keep it positive. Reminding him that this is all an adventure. That God's plan is not our plan, and we will end up where we are supposed to be. I am trying to focus on that myself, when the worry starts to creep in to the corners of my mind. 

When will we know? How long will this take? We could have a late June report date, and February is next week. If we get an overseas move, wow. We'll have a busy couple of months.  But we also asked to stay here, and I am trying to fight the cutting-of-ties that I subconsciously start a few months before I leave a place. You know, you just gradually ease your way out of all the things you do. And then, one day, the truck shows up, takes all the stuff, and poof. Gone. Just like that.  Why fight it? Because we might not be leaving, so I can't disengage yet. 

It may sound a little crazy, but my only comfort is that I am not the only wife slowly going insane while we wait to see where our life goes next.  Plenty of Marine wives are going through the same thing with me right now. Hopefully, the kids are feeling like they are not alone either. Because they're not. Especially not here, at the school full of military families. And they won't be alone at our next duty station. Wherever that is.

About this whole Mommy business

So one of my favorite blogs to read is Rants From Mommyland. Why? Because they make me snarf my coffee just about everyday. They are just. that. funny.  So Lydia's last piece was about those things that we, especially us "Professional" mommies, say all the time.  "Professional", in this instance, means,"No. I don't do anything else. I just hang out here with these crazy people. All. mur.ther.fur.kin'. day." As usual, I laughed so hard that I nearly needed emergency medical care.  Then I scrolled through the comments. And I felt a little down.

One woman said that after reading the things we endlessly repeat as we "raise and nurture" our little crumbsnatchers, she would just stay on her birth control. So I just want to clarify. Not like she'll see my humble little blog, but I'll feel better.

My kids make me nuts. I walk through the house flushing toilets, turning off lights and breaking up arguments with idle threats of military school and groundings into adulthood.  I do, on average, 8 loads of laundry a week. (yeah, yeah. That's what I get for having 6 kids) I joke about drinking a lot of wine. Sometimes I really do.

But my kids are probably the most important and awesome things I have made (done? accomplished?) in my life.

Especially as they get older (#1 is THIRTEEN :P ), I see them becoming fabulous people. I probably have very little to do with that.  But it is awesome none the less. Watching them find their path in the world and accomplish things (sometimes with our help, but more and more without) is worth all the flushes and stinky socks under the couch. And I am not just saying that because I jumped off the career track and grad school and all that to be the mom.

Sharing the challenges of Mommyhood is so needed, because we don't live in communities like back in the day.  I got a taste of it when we lived in West Point. All the moms hung out in the front yard with the kids all day (except in the snow. Brrrrr). Kids played. Moms chatted. We supported each other. And on nice days, our husbands would come home to happy kids (still playing outside) and moms in lawn chairs drinking margaritas. (But probably not dinner. We'd been outside all day, after all.) 

Here in the burbs, it just doesn't happen like that. So there are virtual communities to share our angst and the utter lunacy that often accompanies parenthood. The trouble is, the childless women who come and read don't see the great parts. They will hear about that time my daughter COVERED her face and hair in Desitin, but not about how she gave me a big (drooly) kiss when I gave her a freshly-filled juice cup. And about the "artwork" on my walls, but not the drawings I hang on my fridge.

So, dear currently-childless lady who is turned off by our shared insanity, fear not.

Mommyhood is SO MUCH MORE than the toilet-flushing, shoe-tying, and peace-keeping that we whine talk about. But you will definitely want to stock up on those Magic Eraser things.