My two square pegs

Sometimes I forget that I read alot more than most people, especially things about learning and teaching and child development.  I also forget that social skills and manners were tossed out the window years ago, meaning people will say things that should not have left the space between their ears.

My second son was diagnosed as ADHD, hyperactive type when he was 6.  He had wild mood swings and "poor impulse control".  He also still has tactile issues (think tags and seams in clothing). We are working to refine his diagnosis, because as he grows older it seems less accurate.  He is currently working with a counselor and being treated for anxiety and depression, which is connected to the craziness of Army life and his dad's deployments.  If we retire at 20 years, it will be because he needs to stay in one place. Our gypsy lifestyle does not fit him well. 

When we were first trying to figure him out, I was rather taken aback by some of the reactions I got from people, especially family and acquaintances. (My friends, I am glad to say, supported me without question.)  At first, a lot of people told me it was a discipline problem.  And while he was hard to control, his behaviors were not due to a lack of effort on our part.  People second-guessed my decision to homeschool him, my decision not to homeschool him, my decision to see if medication would help him. As if watching my child struggle and suffer while my husband worked long days and then prepared to deploy wasn't enough, I had to deal with the tactless busy-bodies of the world.

I am glad to say that he is stable now.  He is learning and coping with school (he is extremely intelligent, which makes it a little easier).  He has made some friends.  We will move this summer and next summer, so I need to make sure he stays in a good place mentally.  But he isn't "normal". 

"Normal".  That elusive and imaginary mark on the wall that only exists statistically.  It seems that we are all, in fact, just a little bit off.

Just this past week, we finished the evaluation process with #1.  He is struggling in school and with homework.  He has garnered a diagnosis of ADHD- inattentive type.  He CANNOT concentrate. EVER. On anything.  Because I homeschooled him most of his life, I know he can learn and even likes to learn.  He cannot handle homework or long-term projects.  Again, here come the opinion-holders of the world.

"ADHD is just something they made up.  When I was a kid, they just made us pay attention."

"He just needs more discipline" (These people obviously don't know me as a parent at all.  See sock drawer story from a few weeks ago)

"He's just trying to get out of it"

"Maybe he should eat less sugar.....food coloring.....grains.....processed food...."

"He probably watches too much TV and video games"

I think it is most frustrating that the small private school he attends doesn't "believe" in ADD.  Or at least that is what I have been told. I will find out for sure over the next few days. 

Psychological issues and learning disabilities are absolutely heartbreaking to deal with as a mom.  I think it is because at the surface, my kids look completely "normal".  But they are not just like everyone else.  ADHD is covered by IDEA, meaning my kids could have IEPs and accommodations to help them succeed in school.  No one would dare tell the parents of a child with a physical disability that the child "just needs more discipline." Just because he looks "okay" when he walks down the street doesn't mean that he fits into the round hole at school.

Still, people have a hard time accepting it.  Maybe it is because my husband and I are both intelligent and well-educated, so they assume my kids would be too.  But they are intelligent, they just need to be taught in a manner that helps them learn. 

So back to the library I go, armed with a list of materials the doctor recommended that I read.  I had done some cursory research into attention problems when I was homeschooling.  I have known #1 had trouble focusing, but we had been able to work through it (or around it).  Maybe it is a good thing that I don't work also.  Being an advocate for my two sons as we move (and move and move) will take up some time.  I also wonder what it means for them in the long term.  Will they be able to succeed in a college environment?  Will they be able to achieve their goals? I am also nervous about #3 (also a boy).  Will this issue arise with him as well?  I'll just have to wait and see, but if it does, I'll have his back too.