Just doesn't seem right, you know?
We were at the Great Wolf Lodge here in VA (the one in Grapevine, TX is the best, by far!). Everybody is sliding and swimming, just having a grand old time. And the third (and last) morning, I wake up in a big, old funk.
Not really sure where it came from. My husband is HOME for crying out loud. I should be ECSTATIC and completely un-funked. It seems, well, ungrateful. I can't tease out the actual cause. I think it is because my head is just so full. Full of all those military wife and mom things.
We are (okay, mostly me) trying to find a house for when my husband comes back. I can't even decide on cities, schools, anything. All the options have flaws and we have no idea what will happen to us after the 12 month of school. How do I account for all those possibilities? I feel more and more certain that #1 will attend at least 2 high schools. Do I just not mention it to him until it's too late?
Remember how GW Bush said he was "the decider"? I feel his pain. I think I am burned out on deciding. So I am going on strike. No more decisions will be made for at least 24 hours.
Take that, Army.
27 January 2011
06 January 2011
my out of sync friends
I have several good friends whose husbands are exactly off-cycle of my husband. They could have high-fived in the airport in Kuwait as they passed each other by (they didn't, but it's a fun thought). Some of them lived near me, most didn't. I love these women, but the deployment overtakes so many aspects of our lives, that it influences our friendships.
When my husband deployed immediately (less than 30 days) after we arrived at Ft Hood, it was rough. Looking on facebook at pics of friends (and their soldiers!) who left our last duty station and were not immediately deployed was even tougher. It was a feeling somewhere between envy and feeling like I stepped in dog poop and they didn't.
They are my friends. I was happy to see them happy. But there that feeling was. Just sitting there. It would take up residence in some dark crevice of my mind, reappearing in weak, lonely moments. Family vacation pics, Christmas pics, birthday pics. Stuff that made me stay closer to my "deployed" friends, who I could call at 9:30pm on a Saturday night because they were watching TV alone also.
These feelings are petty, for sure. No one was trying to rub their husbands' luck at not being currently deployed in any one's face. But reason and logic are the first things to go when you haven't slept well in four months because your husband is gone, and you feel like you have to stay up late just in case there is a noise or something. (Noise-hearing while asleep is my husband's job. He's good at it. I am not. Hence, less sleep.) At the same time, these were the friends who were not so stressed out and managed to brighten my holiday with Christmas cards, or sent birthday messages, or called to see how I was. They knew how I felt (being Army wives also), but were in a better place to listen because they weren't in the thick of it.
Off-cycle friends at the same duty station are different too. I hardly ever saw them (unless they lived close by). Partially because our spouses were in different units, but also because they spent weekends and vacations as a family. Soaking up whatever dwell time they were going to get. My family linked up with other families missing their soldier, ordering pizza and movies and making margaritas to pass the days more pleasantly. I swear there was one woman I knew from another place that I didn't see at all until after her husband left. Kind of funny, really.
I treasure my friends whose lives happen to be 180' off mine. They are great people. But sometimes I think we remind each other of the painful realities of this life. I can never be completely content that my husband is home, because my friend is aching with loneliness. As I celebrate the approach of EML and (eventually) redeployment, another friend (whose husband's unit is quite literally replacing my husband's unit in Afghanistan) is watching the days slip away as her soldier's deployment date approaches.
I think part of the beauty and strength of the spouse community is this collective waiting. Even as we greet our soldiers, we have to push away the thoughts of next time. We are painful reminders to each other, but who doesn't tear up when they see the picture of a friend reuniting with their soldier?
I think this time, after my husband returns, I need to make sure I perform random acts of kindness for my deployed friends. Just little things, so they know they're not alone. After all, one year from now, we'll be in each other's shoes. And the merry-go-round spins on.
When my husband deployed immediately (less than 30 days) after we arrived at Ft Hood, it was rough. Looking on facebook at pics of friends (and their soldiers!) who left our last duty station and were not immediately deployed was even tougher. It was a feeling somewhere between envy and feeling like I stepped in dog poop and they didn't.
They are my friends. I was happy to see them happy. But there that feeling was. Just sitting there. It would take up residence in some dark crevice of my mind, reappearing in weak, lonely moments. Family vacation pics, Christmas pics, birthday pics. Stuff that made me stay closer to my "deployed" friends, who I could call at 9:30pm on a Saturday night because they were watching TV alone also.
These feelings are petty, for sure. No one was trying to rub their husbands' luck at not being currently deployed in any one's face. But reason and logic are the first things to go when you haven't slept well in four months because your husband is gone, and you feel like you have to stay up late just in case there is a noise or something. (Noise-hearing while asleep is my husband's job. He's good at it. I am not. Hence, less sleep.) At the same time, these were the friends who were not so stressed out and managed to brighten my holiday with Christmas cards, or sent birthday messages, or called to see how I was. They knew how I felt (being Army wives also), but were in a better place to listen because they weren't in the thick of it.
Off-cycle friends at the same duty station are different too. I hardly ever saw them (unless they lived close by). Partially because our spouses were in different units, but also because they spent weekends and vacations as a family. Soaking up whatever dwell time they were going to get. My family linked up with other families missing their soldier, ordering pizza and movies and making margaritas to pass the days more pleasantly. I swear there was one woman I knew from another place that I didn't see at all until after her husband left. Kind of funny, really.
I treasure my friends whose lives happen to be 180' off mine. They are great people. But sometimes I think we remind each other of the painful realities of this life. I can never be completely content that my husband is home, because my friend is aching with loneliness. As I celebrate the approach of EML and (eventually) redeployment, another friend (whose husband's unit is quite literally replacing my husband's unit in Afghanistan) is watching the days slip away as her soldier's deployment date approaches.
I think part of the beauty and strength of the spouse community is this collective waiting. Even as we greet our soldiers, we have to push away the thoughts of next time. We are painful reminders to each other, but who doesn't tear up when they see the picture of a friend reuniting with their soldier?
I think this time, after my husband returns, I need to make sure I perform random acts of kindness for my deployed friends. Just little things, so they know they're not alone. After all, one year from now, we'll be in each other's shoes. And the merry-go-round spins on.
05 January 2011
The winter of the deployment
Wow, I was gone a long time. We travelled for Christmas, to my mom's vacation home where there is no high-speed internet. Come on now, let's make the dial-up noise together. kuuuuuuuch, beee-ooop, beee-oop.... It's good to be home.
December was a dark month, both literally and emotionally. It is darker and colder here than in Texas. I was struggling just to hold on and make it to bedtime each day. I would say a prayer every night that the next day would (surely!) be better, only to be just as beat down the next night and utter the same prayer.
Enter the New Year.
Why does January 2011 seem so very much closer to June 2011? It is no different from going from November to December. Why was I positively gleeful when I ripped (literally) the 2010 calendar from the wall and tossed it in the trash with the poopy diapers (which is where it belongs, IMO)?
For some (stupid) reason, a corner has been turned in my mind. My husband leaves FOB Middleofnowhere to come home for EML in less than 2 weeks. (Naturally, I don't know exactly which day, but then I could make plans. And where is the fun in that?) I thought EML was 14 days, but I guess it is 15. That extra 24 hours feels huge! We also know that he will have to come home a few weeks (not much, but hey...) early this summer to make the start of the school he'll be attending. Yay!
MY HUSBAND COMES HOME THIS YEAR!!!!
I know my military spouse brethren understand how much better that sounds than "next year", even though it is just an artificial construct of time. It is a huge psychological hurdle. And we're over it. Next up- EML (or R&R, whichever you prefer).
Everyday is still long and exhausting, but I have things to look forward to in the short term that boost my morale. R&R. Finding a place for us here in VA. Not planning on how to drag me and my peeps (and our stuff) over to KS.
I know many of my friends are facing this new year as I faced the last one- with that pit in my stomach over the looming deployment. I wish I could hug every single one of you (and pour some wine). I can't wait til this is over for all of us.
December was a dark month, both literally and emotionally. It is darker and colder here than in Texas. I was struggling just to hold on and make it to bedtime each day. I would say a prayer every night that the next day would (surely!) be better, only to be just as beat down the next night and utter the same prayer.
Enter the New Year.
Why does January 2011 seem so very much closer to June 2011? It is no different from going from November to December. Why was I positively gleeful when I ripped (literally) the 2010 calendar from the wall and tossed it in the trash with the poopy diapers (which is where it belongs, IMO)?
For some (stupid) reason, a corner has been turned in my mind. My husband leaves FOB Middleofnowhere to come home for EML in less than 2 weeks. (Naturally, I don't know exactly which day, but then I could make plans. And where is the fun in that?) I thought EML was 14 days, but I guess it is 15. That extra 24 hours feels huge! We also know that he will have to come home a few weeks (not much, but hey...) early this summer to make the start of the school he'll be attending. Yay!
MY HUSBAND COMES HOME THIS YEAR!!!!
I know my military spouse brethren understand how much better that sounds than "next year", even though it is just an artificial construct of time. It is a huge psychological hurdle. And we're over it. Next up- EML (or R&R, whichever you prefer).
Everyday is still long and exhausting, but I have things to look forward to in the short term that boost my morale. R&R. Finding a place for us here in VA. Not planning on how to drag me and my peeps (and our stuff) over to KS.
I know many of my friends are facing this new year as I faced the last one- with that pit in my stomach over the looming deployment. I wish I could hug every single one of you (and pour some wine). I can't wait til this is over for all of us.
16 December 2010
Things you can only say to other military spouses
True confession: I am so glad his R&R is not over Christmas break.
That may sound bizarre, but let me explain. I would love nothing more than to have my whole family together for Christmas (and every other day). But knowing that I only have 14 days.... no, not over Christmas vacation. Too many visiting relatives and other such chaos, I don't think we'd really have a chance to be with him.
The kids and I are done. Exhausted. We are ready to sit around in our pjs for two whole weeks and do absolutely nothing. Maybe play in the snow, should more happen our way. If my husband were here, we would have to do things. Go places. Not spend all day laying on the couch in yoga pants and a sweatshirt eating too many Christmas cookies.
We're in that month #6 slump.
Don't misunderstand, I would cheerfully do things if he were here. But since he's not, boy, is that couch looking welcoming. We can all rest, mentally and physically, and be ready for fun when he does get here some time in January. Heck, I might even be able to starve off the extra holiday pounds before he arrives.
True confession #2: Tonight, I am turning off my Skype and going to sleep early.
The baby was sooo restless last night. I think I got about 3-4 hours of sleep. I have had 5 huge cups of tea and 2 large cups of coffee and have remained standing all day in an attempt to stay awake (snow day- no chance for a nap). Tonight, I am so tired, even a restless baby won't keep me up. Normally, I sit and wait, like the teenaged girl in stories, waiting for my Skype to ring. Sorry, babe. I'll be in dreamland. Maybe I'll see you there.
Hark, it is nearly 8 and late enough to be bedtime. :)
Nighty-night all.
That may sound bizarre, but let me explain. I would love nothing more than to have my whole family together for Christmas (and every other day). But knowing that I only have 14 days.... no, not over Christmas vacation. Too many visiting relatives and other such chaos, I don't think we'd really have a chance to be with him.
The kids and I are done. Exhausted. We are ready to sit around in our pjs for two whole weeks and do absolutely nothing. Maybe play in the snow, should more happen our way. If my husband were here, we would have to do things. Go places. Not spend all day laying on the couch in yoga pants and a sweatshirt eating too many Christmas cookies.
We're in that month #6 slump.
Don't misunderstand, I would cheerfully do things if he were here. But since he's not, boy, is that couch looking welcoming. We can all rest, mentally and physically, and be ready for fun when he does get here some time in January. Heck, I might even be able to starve off the extra holiday pounds before he arrives.
True confession #2: Tonight, I am turning off my Skype and going to sleep early.
The baby was sooo restless last night. I think I got about 3-4 hours of sleep. I have had 5 huge cups of tea and 2 large cups of coffee and have remained standing all day in an attempt to stay awake (snow day- no chance for a nap). Tonight, I am so tired, even a restless baby won't keep me up. Normally, I sit and wait, like the teenaged girl in stories, waiting for my Skype to ring. Sorry, babe. I'll be in dreamland. Maybe I'll see you there.
Hark, it is nearly 8 and late enough to be bedtime. :)
Nighty-night all.
14 December 2010
Making my baby a man
I hate Christmas shopping. Last year I did all of it online from my couch with cup of hot coffee in hand. I mocked those who roamed the malls searching for parking so they could then search the mall for gifts. "Unevolved buffoons!", I chortled.
So why the hell was I at Target today with that same glazed-over looked worn by all the other parents roaming the toy section? There were nearly 4 cart crashes too, because we are all examining the toys. The toys are arranged in no particular order, btw. Insanity. I think I was overcome by the idea that I am actually close enough to multiple major shopping areas that I can shop in person at different malls (without taking my RV) that I actually decided to try it. I have learned my lesson, though. Next year, I'll be back on the couch with my laptop.
I am just about done shopping. I realized I cheaped out on my oldest kid. He is a great kid and really wants Call of Duty Black Ops for his DS. ?!?!?!?! Hello? You just learned how to walk last week, what do you mean you want a first-person shooter game? I am so not comforted by your response that the DS graphics aren't as good as the PSPs, so the blood looks less real. (He is 12. I know, it's totally normal.)
But how do I explain that life means something? That when a soldier takes an enemy soldier's life that it can really weigh on them? That even the bad guys have mothers that love them or maybe even a wife and kids? My husband remembers flying in his little helicopter during Desert Storm (yup, he's that old) and seeing the targets he called in destroyed. He knew there were people in there and now they were all dead. They were shooting at him, so I'm glad he did it, but I could tell it kind of made him think a bit. If I get #1 this game (or GoldenEye 007, which looks cool too), will he be able to get that later?
Maybe I am thinking too hard about all this. It's probably the after-effects of flourescent lighting and holiday musak.
So why the hell was I at Target today with that same glazed-over looked worn by all the other parents roaming the toy section? There were nearly 4 cart crashes too, because we are all examining the toys. The toys are arranged in no particular order, btw. Insanity. I think I was overcome by the idea that I am actually close enough to multiple major shopping areas that I can shop in person at different malls (without taking my RV) that I actually decided to try it. I have learned my lesson, though. Next year, I'll be back on the couch with my laptop.
I am just about done shopping. I realized I cheaped out on my oldest kid. He is a great kid and really wants Call of Duty Black Ops for his DS. ?!?!?!?! Hello? You just learned how to walk last week, what do you mean you want a first-person shooter game? I am so not comforted by your response that the DS graphics aren't as good as the PSPs, so the blood looks less real. (He is 12. I know, it's totally normal.)
But how do I explain that life means something? That when a soldier takes an enemy soldier's life that it can really weigh on them? That even the bad guys have mothers that love them or maybe even a wife and kids? My husband remembers flying in his little helicopter during Desert Storm (yup, he's that old) and seeing the targets he called in destroyed. He knew there were people in there and now they were all dead. They were shooting at him, so I'm glad he did it, but I could tell it kind of made him think a bit. If I get #1 this game (or GoldenEye 007, which looks cool too), will he be able to get that later?
Maybe I am thinking too hard about all this. It's probably the after-effects of flourescent lighting and holiday musak.
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