Where did I go?

This is exceptionally hard to share.  I only do so to offer support in the form of shared burdens with my fellow spouses and to give insight to those in the civilian world.


Time changes us all.  So do deployments.  The fun begins when we all try to catch back up.

Sometimes I feel like the past three years have not been real time, as normal people experience it.  It's been some crazy, sped-up version, not unlike "dog years", but with really long days.  I feel way more than 3 years older.  I am about 5 years worth of tired.

Sometimes I am so busy living, that the simplest things evade me.

The other night, my kids said things that really made stop and think, and then decide to forge a path out of the mental and emotional wilderness I have been living in.  #3 told me that when he was a dad, he was never going to yell at his kids.  He was always going to talk to them in his nice voice. That hurt.  What really knocked the wind out of me was later that night, when #4 said, "Mommy, you're smiling.  Why? You don't usually do that."

This person- this irritable, stressed-out, sleep-deprived nutcase- is not me.  Or wasn't, back when I knew me. Back before the war cut in.  I loved my kids with every ounce of my being. They made me smile, almost all the time.  Except maybe when they left legos on the living room floor (those really hurt).  I was very laid back and just relaxed and enjoyed life.  I loved to take my kids on road trips and see whatever we lived near.  We'd sing silly songs and dance silly dances.  I liked that woman.

How sad then, that when I looked in the mirror the other night after putting my kids in bed, I saw little sign of her left.  How much sadder for my two oldest, who have watched their mother change right before their eyes, from the woman I was to this stranger with my face. My smile overshadowed by dark circles and worry lines, my laughter and jokes replaced by cynicism and weariness.  And then my youngest ones, who never knew that other mom.

So that's it.  These last years of deployment and dwell time (when his job ate his life and he was rarely home for bedtime) are not going to win.  I am taking myself back.  The grouchy bitch is hitting the road, and is not invited back. Ever.

Yesterday I did great. I was positive all day, focused on keeping a smile on my face.  This afternoon shook me a bit. #1 came home with a C+ on his end of grading period math exam. They were all careless errors- he had an A average going into this test (which makes it worse in my book). And I almost started crying when I walked in to the basement before bedtime, and saw all the toys I had just put away back out on the floor.  My back is a wreck (a combo of stress and carrying 23 lb #6 around), and I just couldn't even think about all that bending over again.  My kids came to my rescue- with hugs and a fast cleanup. Then #3 came to read me a story.

They deserve a happy mom.  I deserve to be a happy mom.  Time to dig deeper.  Pray.  Stay balanced. Try to go to bed earlier (ha!).  I am going to eat better and exercise more, and seriously think about cutting back on coffee and tea. That might have to wait until warmer weather returns, though.

We are gradually gaining on the halfway mark of this deployment.  R&R is only 2 calendar pages away.  I need to focus, so that my family will thrive, not just scrape by.  I need to have something positive here for my husband to come home to, because all this time later, he might be someone else too.