There are more PhDs than things to study. That's just my theory. But somewhere, there is a PhD studying deployments and how it affects soldiers, families, communities, and so on. (Actually, I know one of them.) All this studying to tell us what any military wife with 2+ deployments could already tell you. And I bet she'll work cheaper than the PhD. I am being a bit facetious, as I recognize that "they" are looking for patterns across a fairly sizeable military. But reading the reports, I always wonder how much it cost to confirm what we all know.
At least this research, theoretically, will improve things for military families. My favorite PhD story of all is from a conference my husband attended where someone gave a briefing on their long, in-depth study of the declining size of alligator penises in FL. Seriously. Even funnier than the topic were the two General Officers who were joking about the topic in the row in front of my husband- mostly about how one might go about trying to measure said alligator parts, and how it was no surprise that the gators ran from the researchers, they were embarrassed by their diminutive organs.
But back to my original thought
Someone named stages of deployment, including anger, denial, grief and acceptance. But they left out insomnia.
I am sure it is stress-related, not that knowing the cause helps a whole lot. It also just makes the deployment longer because I get to consciously experience even more hours of everyday. Which makes me cranky, and then makes the kids cranky, and then raises my stress level, leading to (that's right!) insomnia.
So I will break out the home remedies- chamomile tea, soft lights, dull movies, benedryl. Let's just hope I can end the streak before it really gets going.
21 February 2011
19 February 2011
Another milestone whizzes by
Tonight was our Cub Scout Pack's Blue and Gold banquet. It was raucous and fun, as it should be. They brought in someone to do cool chemistry experiments as entertainment- the boys loved it! For those of you that do not speak Cub Scout, Blue and Gold is a HUGE yearly pack event to mark the anniversary of scouting. It is also the time when the most senior scouts, most of whom have earned the Arrow of Light (highest award in Cub Scouting), are ceremoniously shown the door. They "bridge" to Boy Scouts.
Our pack had a small indoor (Thank you!) bridge, and the Boy Scout troops came up to the front of the room and called their new scouts across the bridge. It is always a very cool ceremony, and it makes me smile. The newest Boy Scouts are all excited, and the parents are taking pics. But in the midst of it, I couldn't help but think of my husband, who missed #1 crossing to Boy Scouts also.
Look in the rearview mirror, folks, because that little piece of life is gone.
The irony, which is good for the soul, is that scouting was my husband's thing. He was a scout and loved it. I grew up in NYC and didn't even know any boy scouts. Somehow I ended up helping the kids do their achievement things, and then helping plan his den schedule and activities. It all culminated with us moving to TX, me starting off on the pack committee, and ending up as Cubmaster (true confession: I loved doing it- it was a total blast!). But that was supposed to be him. All that stuff I ended up doing with my boys (which I really enjoyed) was supposed to be for him to do with them. The lost father-son opportunities make me sad.
We have one Cub Scout to go. #3 opted to not scout "until Daddy comes home to do it with me." I really hope he can, for all 4 years. For only four years. And, when you think about it, that's not much time at all.
Our pack had a small indoor (Thank you!) bridge, and the Boy Scout troops came up to the front of the room and called their new scouts across the bridge. It is always a very cool ceremony, and it makes me smile. The newest Boy Scouts are all excited, and the parents are taking pics. But in the midst of it, I couldn't help but think of my husband, who missed #1 crossing to Boy Scouts also.
Look in the rearview mirror, folks, because that little piece of life is gone.
The irony, which is good for the soul, is that scouting was my husband's thing. He was a scout and loved it. I grew up in NYC and didn't even know any boy scouts. Somehow I ended up helping the kids do their achievement things, and then helping plan his den schedule and activities. It all culminated with us moving to TX, me starting off on the pack committee, and ending up as Cubmaster (true confession: I loved doing it- it was a total blast!). But that was supposed to be him. All that stuff I ended up doing with my boys (which I really enjoyed) was supposed to be for him to do with them. The lost father-son opportunities make me sad.
We have one Cub Scout to go. #3 opted to not scout "until Daddy comes home to do it with me." I really hope he can, for all 4 years. For only four years. And, when you think about it, that's not much time at all.
16 February 2011
Mom's taxi is off duty
Why is that the week I am already stressed about #1's exam schedule that the Cub Scouts decide they want to meet THREE times and the Boy Scouts TWICE? Obviously they don't understand that I am 8 months into a deployment and am pretty much over everything.
This is the flaw in living in a civilian community during a deployment. The Pack we belonged to in Texas would NEVER try to do something like that to the moms. Mostly because the moms would be running the pack because everyone's husband would be gone. And we'd just say no.
But honestly, I feel it is a bit presumptuous of any family's schedule. Like "Hey, since all you have to do with your evenings is drive this one kid to scout events, we will have THREE this week." Anyone else have more than one kid? How about homework? Anyone else's kids get homework?
I have 2 kids in scouts, a kid in ballet and a baby that would like to play at home with her toys instead of being forced to sit in my lap at endless other activities. One kid is also in counseling, which needs to happen every week. Then there are the two kids at home someone needs to watch while I drag my other kids all over God's green earth. Or they get to come along for the ride.
When #1 mentions playing sports, I start to feel light-headed. When am I going to cram that into my schedule? Would it be mean to tell him I just can't handle one more event in the hours between 3 and 8:30pm? When the heck would we cook/eat dinner?
Touch of irony for you- I am home ALL DAY. But those hours are relatively calm (considering I have a 3 and a 1 year old home with me). It makes me think that when I go back to work, I will spend all my non-working hours in my vehicle, ferrying children to all their activities.
Hopefully we don't have many more weeks like this one. It's insanity, people. And I know I am not the only person who can see it.
This is the flaw in living in a civilian community during a deployment. The Pack we belonged to in Texas would NEVER try to do something like that to the moms. Mostly because the moms would be running the pack because everyone's husband would be gone. And we'd just say no.
But honestly, I feel it is a bit presumptuous of any family's schedule. Like "Hey, since all you have to do with your evenings is drive this one kid to scout events, we will have THREE this week." Anyone else have more than one kid? How about homework? Anyone else's kids get homework?
I have 2 kids in scouts, a kid in ballet and a baby that would like to play at home with her toys instead of being forced to sit in my lap at endless other activities. One kid is also in counseling, which needs to happen every week. Then there are the two kids at home someone needs to watch while I drag my other kids all over God's green earth. Or they get to come along for the ride.
When #1 mentions playing sports, I start to feel light-headed. When am I going to cram that into my schedule? Would it be mean to tell him I just can't handle one more event in the hours between 3 and 8:30pm? When the heck would we cook/eat dinner?
Touch of irony for you- I am home ALL DAY. But those hours are relatively calm (considering I have a 3 and a 1 year old home with me). It makes me think that when I go back to work, I will spend all my non-working hours in my vehicle, ferrying children to all their activities.
Hopefully we don't have many more weeks like this one. It's insanity, people. And I know I am not the only person who can see it.
15 February 2011
With all this manure, there must be a pony around here somewhere
I think I hate school more than my kids. Hard to believe, but it's true.
I resent how much work they assign and that most of it requires parental help. I also wish they would take their "reasonable" amount of homework, multiply it by 3 kids and divide by one parent. If I wanted to teach my kids myself, I'd go back to homeschooling and would use the tuition savings to take an awesome vacation with my husband. See, I want the TEACHER to teach them now. Thanks.
I wish I could just hate school and ignore it, like #1. But, because I am an overachiever and a mom, I know it important to have good grades no matter what asinine topics they are covering. How am I going to explain his transcript to another school? Between the subjects and his grades, oy vey.
It is exam week for #1 and he is taking 3 tests on Thursday. He is going into one of them with a 55. Yup. The other two sunjects are passing grades, but far from stellar. But he wants to go to his scout meeting Wed night because there is a campout this weekend. It was an "Are you JOKING???" moment. Sometimes I think Catholic school is wasted on him, or at least the academics are. But I think if I put him in public school, he'd make friends with the other kids who don't like school and probably never graduate.
I am reading a book called "Superparenting for ADD." Right there, it confirms my belief that any mere mortal would have a hard time parenting my two oldest kids. (#5 is also a terror, but she three and that's unrelated to this train of thought.) It is really a good book, informative and amusing. I have gained a few new insights from it, which is impressive because I read a lot on this topic.
I had a chance to read some more of it today while I was sitting in the driveway in the car while #6 napped in her carseat. (Yes, if that is what it takes, that is what I will do.) I had already read a fantastic part about the key role of parents and how the "cure" for ADD was love and support. It reminded me that my primary mission in life is to love those kids, not as I want them to be, but as they are. Sounds obvious, but it is so hard to completely accept a child when you just can't understand what keeps them from acting "appropriately." The underlying urge to improve them is very strong.
Today, I hit a great chapter. It discussed how ADD is always discussed as a negative, but as a parent (with all-accepting love and support) I have to take all that negative feedback and find the positive side. They called it being a mirror.
My son is easily distracted. Or is he exceptionally aware of his surroundings and any change in it?
My son is overly emotional. Or is he sensitive and passionate?
My son doesn't stay on topic. Or does he make connections to other things that "normal" people don't immediately see?
It really isn't just semantics, because the second set is much more accurate. Doctors and school administrators don't always have time to know each child, so the child is painted with the broad brushstrokes of the behaviors listed in the DSM. Bothof my sons will both focus (and thrive!) when drawn in by a skilled teacher (or their own interest) and challenged.
The title of the blog was drawn out from that chapter. With exams stressing me out more than they stress out my son, I have to keep looking for the pony. He will get grades that tell him he isn't good enough, but I need to convince him he is. To make it believable, I need to convince myself.
I resent how much work they assign and that most of it requires parental help. I also wish they would take their "reasonable" amount of homework, multiply it by 3 kids and divide by one parent. If I wanted to teach my kids myself, I'd go back to homeschooling and would use the tuition savings to take an awesome vacation with my husband. See, I want the TEACHER to teach them now. Thanks.
I wish I could just hate school and ignore it, like #1. But, because I am an overachiever and a mom, I know it important to have good grades no matter what asinine topics they are covering. How am I going to explain his transcript to another school? Between the subjects and his grades, oy vey.
It is exam week for #1 and he is taking 3 tests on Thursday. He is going into one of them with a 55. Yup. The other two sunjects are passing grades, but far from stellar. But he wants to go to his scout meeting Wed night because there is a campout this weekend. It was an "Are you JOKING???" moment. Sometimes I think Catholic school is wasted on him, or at least the academics are. But I think if I put him in public school, he'd make friends with the other kids who don't like school and probably never graduate.
I am reading a book called "Superparenting for ADD." Right there, it confirms my belief that any mere mortal would have a hard time parenting my two oldest kids. (#5 is also a terror, but she three and that's unrelated to this train of thought.) It is really a good book, informative and amusing. I have gained a few new insights from it, which is impressive because I read a lot on this topic.
I had a chance to read some more of it today while I was sitting in the driveway in the car while #6 napped in her carseat. (Yes, if that is what it takes, that is what I will do.) I had already read a fantastic part about the key role of parents and how the "cure" for ADD was love and support. It reminded me that my primary mission in life is to love those kids, not as I want them to be, but as they are. Sounds obvious, but it is so hard to completely accept a child when you just can't understand what keeps them from acting "appropriately." The underlying urge to improve them is very strong.
Today, I hit a great chapter. It discussed how ADD is always discussed as a negative, but as a parent (with all-accepting love and support) I have to take all that negative feedback and find the positive side. They called it being a mirror.
My son is easily distracted. Or is he exceptionally aware of his surroundings and any change in it?
My son is overly emotional. Or is he sensitive and passionate?
My son doesn't stay on topic. Or does he make connections to other things that "normal" people don't immediately see?
It really isn't just semantics, because the second set is much more accurate. Doctors and school administrators don't always have time to know each child, so the child is painted with the broad brushstrokes of the behaviors listed in the DSM. Bothof my sons will both focus (and thrive!) when drawn in by a skilled teacher (or their own interest) and challenged.
The title of the blog was drawn out from that chapter. With exams stressing me out more than they stress out my son, I have to keep looking for the pony. He will get grades that tell him he isn't good enough, but I need to convince him he is. To make it believable, I need to convince myself.
14 February 2011
You know when the men are gone
Shameless plug for my former neighbor from the Ft Hood area, Siobhan Fallon.
The title of her book is You Know When the Men Are Gone and she is on a book tour right now. I went to the reading here in VA, but tried not to listen too much because I hadn't read the book and didn't want to hear any spoilers. Weird, I know.
It is a good read- a collection of inter-related short stories about the soldiers and families of a unit at Ft Hood, their deployment and reintegration. While I enjoyed it, I found myself disturbed as well.
Naturally, messed up circumstances make for good stories (like Anna Karenina or Madame Bovary), but I worry that there really is too much adultery committed between the characters. YIKES!!!! One of the stories recounts the (never confirmed) affair between an NCO and a female soldier while in Iraq. Because IEDs aren't enough to worry about, now everyone can chew on that until our soldiers return.
I do wonder what type of impression it leaves on the civilians who will read it. Women whose only knowledge of the military comes from watching NCIS and Army Wives. Siobhan did a great job of capturing the emptiness felt during a deployment, but I wonder about the other stuff. Will it give the impression that we are all heart-broken, but easy? I, and I think this is true for most of us, had an enormously boring, but utterly fantastic, group of friends. We hung out with each other and our kids. It could be because a lot of the characters were somewhat (okay, A LOT) younger than me. Their marriages were younger and less tested through the ups and downs of many years. Some had no children. But I just can't comprehend some of the choices they made.
Personally, I don't worry. I think my marriage is strong (right, honey?) and he couldn't afford to divorce me anyway. ;)
For those not in the military, when a couple has been married for 10 years of the soldier's military service, the spouse is entitled to half of the soldier's retirement if they divorce. Not to mention child support, etc. And I have heard of spouses asking family court judges deny custody to soldiers just because they are still in the Army. Divorce is such an ugly thing. Usually only the lawyers come out on top.
Anyway, give it a read. I'd love to hear what you think. Did it ring true to you, or trend too dramatic?
The title of her book is You Know When the Men Are Gone and she is on a book tour right now. I went to the reading here in VA, but tried not to listen too much because I hadn't read the book and didn't want to hear any spoilers. Weird, I know.
It is a good read- a collection of inter-related short stories about the soldiers and families of a unit at Ft Hood, their deployment and reintegration. While I enjoyed it, I found myself disturbed as well.
Naturally, messed up circumstances make for good stories (like Anna Karenina or Madame Bovary), but I worry that there really is too much adultery committed between the characters. YIKES!!!! One of the stories recounts the (never confirmed) affair between an NCO and a female soldier while in Iraq. Because IEDs aren't enough to worry about, now everyone can chew on that until our soldiers return.
I do wonder what type of impression it leaves on the civilians who will read it. Women whose only knowledge of the military comes from watching NCIS and Army Wives. Siobhan did a great job of capturing the emptiness felt during a deployment, but I wonder about the other stuff. Will it give the impression that we are all heart-broken, but easy? I, and I think this is true for most of us, had an enormously boring, but utterly fantastic, group of friends. We hung out with each other and our kids. It could be because a lot of the characters were somewhat (okay, A LOT) younger than me. Their marriages were younger and less tested through the ups and downs of many years. Some had no children. But I just can't comprehend some of the choices they made.
Personally, I don't worry. I think my marriage is strong (right, honey?) and he couldn't afford to divorce me anyway. ;)
For those not in the military, when a couple has been married for 10 years of the soldier's military service, the spouse is entitled to half of the soldier's retirement if they divorce. Not to mention child support, etc. And I have heard of spouses asking family court judges deny custody to soldiers just because they are still in the Army. Divorce is such an ugly thing. Usually only the lawyers come out on top.
Anyway, give it a read. I'd love to hear what you think. Did it ring true to you, or trend too dramatic?
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